GREETINGS

Hmm! It’s quite along time since i wrote a piece.I know some of you could have been asking themselves if i passed away…No am here to stay and i must admit i missed writing(But the problem is i forgot my password*winks*),now that i found it i hope you guys have been checking my account maybe to see if i have posted anything, now that i keep on updating my whats-app status every now and again(to those who have my number)The last article i wrote was dated back on July 29,2014,that’s like over a year plus one and a half months(face palm),hapa ata kama ni mtoi alishazaliwa hadi ameanza kula those things i shouldn’t even be jotting down.Some people got  married,divorced and all over a sudden looking for love but don’t worry that happens,I know of some ladies who kept on changing their status from single straight to marriage even without dating(Mmmh its always a process),you shouldn’t pass any stage,take some lessons from me or else you’ll go back to zero,and it’s not a good feeling.Hmm there is a saying that goes life is not fair but they promised it’s worth it…Yes continue striving hard.Till then it’s adios from me…

INSECURE WOMEN

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A woman that is insecure is a woman that is not confident, uncertain and anxious. I believe that insecurity stems from lack of trust. The bible says “Don’t be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds.” If you trust God, you won’t be anxious, instead you’d pray and trust in God that everything will turn out ok. And when you trust God you will feel confident and secure that things are fine. This same concept can be applied to insecurity in relationships.

Insecurity begets anxiety, trust begets peace, and the antidote to insecurity is trust. Like I stated, insecurity in relationships stems from lack of trust. If you are feeling insecure, I’m here to tell you that it’s ok to feel insecure because you probably have a valid reason to feel the way you do. And it probably has nothing to do with flaws in your character. Allow me to explain with a short story:

Mike tells his girlfriend Jessica, that Pheobe is just a friend. Months later, Jessica discovers that Mike has been romantically engaged with Pheobe. Mike tells Jessica that Lisa is just a friend. Months later, Jessica finds out that Lisa and Mike have been mutually engaged in sexual conversations. Lastly, Mike tells Jessica that he barely knows Laura. Months later, Jessica discovers the Laura has been doing personal favors for Mike and having private telephone conversations. When Mike introduces Vicky to Jessica as just a friend Jessica has her doubts. When Jessica questions Mike about his friend Vicky, Mike calls Jessica insecure. Jessica no longer trust Mike because of the past deception. Jessica feels insecure. It is not a flaw on Jessica’s character, but it reflects the health of her relationship with Mike. The person at fault is not the person feeling insecure, but the person provoking those feelings.

Feelings, like insecurity, are normal. Listen to yourself and trust yourself with your feelings. Feeling insecure may be a warning sign that the relationship you are in is not a healthy one. Many times men manipulate women into thinking that feeling insecure is a weakness or a flaw in their character. The truth is that it’s ok to feel insecure. Empower yourself by trusting your body and feelings. Feeling insecure may be a reflection of a flaw or weakness in the way you are being treated in your relationship, so don’t put yourself down for it. Instead, be proactive about it.

Work on regaining trust. Pray. And let peace overcome your doubts. Having trust in your relationship is the only cure for insecurity. Make sure the person you are in a relationship with is a person you can trust and believe in so that you can have a healthy and peaceful relationship.

Be blessed, spread love,

WHY THE LOVE YOU GIVE IS NOT ALWAYS THE LOVE YOU RECEIVE

I happened to be scrolling through Facebook when a particular status caught my attention: “Remember that I was there for you when no one else was.”

There are tons of women who pride themselves on sticking with a man through thick and thin. They endure infidelity, heartbreak, and disrespect for the reward of knowing that they stuck by their side.  It becomes more about loyalty than anything else. 

Whenever loyalty rises to the top, something has to sink to the bottom. Unfortunately, happiness is always at the bottom, overshadowed and forgotten. The idea that we stuck by someone through thick and thin trumps everything and everyone.

Loyalty seems to be most important for people who exist on a continuum that can include anything from being ignored as child to abandonment, abuse, feeling unwanted, or being neglected. It stems from a subconscious belief in the boomerang effect: that doling out the type of love and care that we want will mean that it will be returned. What happens is that the people we choose to bestow our love upon don’t share that same belief. They feed on our love and loyalty for breakfast, expect even more for dinner, but with out the appreciation or gratitude.

We sometimes learn the hard way not to give our love to someone who feeds on hearts. But some of us never learn and continue to lay our hearts on the table, day after day, year after year.  The real question for that facebook quote becomes, what is the void within that enables you to not pay attention to signs? If no one else is there for him, maybe there is a reason.  

DATING BACKWARDS

 

In my twenties, the thought of my boyfriend meeting my parents was beyond scary. I wasn’t sure if I was more afraid of my mom meeting him or my my dad.  Either way, I tried to put it off for as long as possible. I always introduced him to my friends first. Next came my cousins, then my brothers, and months later, I would gather the courage to introduce him to my parents. 

It was completely different with my husband. He introduced me to his friends and family within the first two weeks of meeting me and he met my family very soon after.  Immediately, I realized that throughout my entire life, I had been dating backwards. I had been waiting until I was head over heels in love with someone to meet the most important people in their life.  What I should have been doing was meeting his family first to see how he operated, interacted, and communicated with his family. Was he rude to his mother? Did they treat me with respect? What were their family values? Could I get along with his parents?

When you wait until you are in love with someone to meet their family, you give up a tremendous amount of control in your relationship. Instead of making strategic decisions with your mind, you make decisions with your heart. You become more accepting of faults, flaws, mistakes, different interests, and incompatible values, because you are already in love.

Meeting a person’s family gives you way more insight into who they are as a person. You get a chance to see a more realistic portrayal and whether that meshes with the person they have held themselves out to be.

If you meet a person’s family at the beginning stages of your relationship, you don’t have to worry about having to accept a family that is disrespectful, rude, abrasive, or unloving. You gain a better idea of who they are upfront and then you can decide if this is something you want to deal with or if it would be best to choose a person with a more loving, caring, and embracing family unit. After all, you marry someone’s family….not just that individual. You do not want to spend holidays with a group of people that you really don’t care for. It’s best to have the control upfront to choose something other than dysfunction. That saying, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”, says it all.

TIPS FOR DATING DURING THE FIRST MONTH

The first month of a relationship is critical.  It determines the expectations and outcome of the relationship.  Before I met my husband, here is my personal list of things that were important for me to have in a partner:

1)    Do what you say. If you say you will call on Sunday, call me on Sunday. If you can’t call me, let me know. It’s really that simple. If you memorized all those formulas in math class, you can definitely handle this concept.

2)    Be open to newness.  If you aren’t willing to at least try sushi one time, you may not be willing to keep up with my desire to grow.  The world is filled with things I have never seen or done before.  I’d like to try out the new stuff together.  Experiencing something new on your own is no fun. 

3)    Apologize.  If you find it difficult to apologize when you are wrong, you are probably not going to be accountable for your actions or comments in the future. I admit when I am wrong so I need you to practice that talent as well.  An apology goes a long way to mend hurt feelings.

4)    Family. I come from a huge network of aunts, uncles, and cousins.  I’m into family. If you never talk to your family, don’t see your kids, or talk horribly about them, I’m not the person for you. I value family and I need you to as well.  If you don’t, that’s totally cool too…for someone else who may want you.

5)    Bashing your ex. With the ability to grow comes the ability to forgive. If you are still saying awful things about a past relationship, I know that I am next in line to be talked about if we break up. It also tells me that you don’t take responsibility for your part in a relationship. 

6)    Handle your childhood issues. We all have them. But if by this age you haven’t done some work to grow through them or to heal, you probably won’t ever do it.  Life is too short to let our childhood issues affect us as adults. And there are too many therapists out there with sliding scales. 

7)    Have priorities.  If you buy $200 jeans but can’t pay your car note, we aren’t going to work out.  If you spend $2,000 on a spur of the moment vacation but don’t have health insurance, I can’t expect you to have me as a priority when you can’t get the basics down.

8)    Fix it before bed. It’s simple.  I like my sleep.  Arguments affect my sleep.  I need a person who solves problems in the same way that I do: before bed.

9)    Make lemonade out of lemons. Problems happen and issues come up.  It’s why they call it life instead of something else.  A change of course sometimes leads you to a better path.  When something is thrown my way, I make the best of it.  If you like to complain and ask God why me, you won’t last a day with me.

10) Appreciate all people.  If you scream at the waitress just before you short her on her tip for not bringing you a glass of water that was exactly 72%, you are not for me.  I was raised to respect everyone from the people who clean the streets to the CEO.  And I am a stickler for tipping.  Plus, your words have to match your actions.  You can’t work at a non-profit and disrespect other people in one breath.

 

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER TALK ABOUT IN A RELATIONSHIP

It’s no secret that great communication is needed in a relationship.  But great communication doesn’t include telling your significant other everything  about your past nor does it require you to answer every question that is asked of you.  Your past is your past. 

1. The number of people you have slept with.  Suppose someone tells you that they have slept with 75 people? What about 2? What about  35? Whatever the number, it is unnecessary information that only leads to judgment, resentment, and more questions.  Individuals who are new to the dating world often offer up this information to their mate.  It’s a rookie mistake.  The reality is that your past has nothing to do with the person you are currently with.

2. Intimate details.  Secure men or women don’t want to know details about their significant other’s past.  Don’t ask about them and don’t offer them.  Whether it is related to numbers or the location of your first date, it is not a good idea to discuss information that will lead to a comparison.  If you are or your partner Create new memories together without making your past an issue for either of you.

3. Your last significant other.  Whether it was your choice or their choice, you are no longer with your significant other.  Constantly bringing up their name to talk about what they did or what they said isn’t fair to your new mate or to your relationship.  Minimize the discussions about your exes.  Focus on what you have and not what you had.

 

#WorldCupFinal

Finally the worldcup has come to an end.I mean during this period men owned remote controls they wouldn’t let it out to the ladies who were willing to watch their soap operas.Too bad we just had to bear with the situation being that the worldcup wouldn’t last forever.

Thanks to Kenya Broadcasting co-operation for airing those live matches too bad some men found it rough being that they couldn’t give an substantiate reason to their wives to go and  watch football out be it pubs,restaurants e.t.c at late hours.During this period I know those type of men who would cheat their wives that they were somewhere watching the match and indeed were entertaining their “mpango wa kando’s” elsewhere not knowing that their wives too were following those matches and ended up asking them the so called”stupid questions” to tell them how the game was.Did anyone see those funny clips and images that were all over the social media platfoms?I guess all of you did.

I can attest that during this period of time ladies not only enjoyed watching their teams play,but also enjoyed seeing men drizzling ball for a period of 90 minutes and above in the field.Ahem! on a lighter side during this worldup period their were some hashtags in twitter about football the one that got me laughing was a person who was claiming that she failed to understand how 24 intelligent men would waste their time sweating profusely chasing over one ball for a hours for some of  them to sustain injuries at the end of the game.

Some ladies basically didn’t know what was going on in the field because most of us know nothing concerning football rules.I term them #team clueless thanks to the cocacola football advert that went viral. That advert got people critisize others moreso ladies being victims.So according to that advert most ladies belonged to “team admirers.I mean the abs,the six packs and well built bodies some of the  players left some of us drooling.